Day 74 - Death

I feel like death today, and I’m not quite sure how to escape it. It’s a combination of so many feelings and emotions that I’m not even sure I can classify how I feel right now. I’m in a total funk to put it simply, and it’s not simple at all. Not only am I on these anti-retroviral drugs that are absolutely making me feel like total crap, but my nerves for Africa are 100% shot and I’m not sure how much more I can take. As great as the people here are, there are so many things that get to me because of our living conditions. No one really feels like they need to contribute to keep things clean and livable. There is almost no consideration one for another or for the house that we are living in. The family in the back has said a couple of times how dirty the kitchen is and one day they came in and cleaned it for us! What a disgrace!! I’ve have done all I can do without going to the extent of killing myself to keep things clean in the house. I’ve even proposed and posted a cleaning chart that I thought would help people stay on track and help out; didn’t work. The living area is a total disaster and I’m just at my whit’s end, I can’t do it anymore. I did some cleaning tonight while everybody just chilled in the living area, I was so frustrated. I found Irene, of all people, cleaning the freezer area and I just said to her, “You are not doing this, let me do this cleaning.” I finished cleaning and then cleaned the surrounding disgusting floor as well as the sink and the bathroom sink. Everything is gross and I’m going crazy. I feel so sick inside from the drugs that I’m barely able to do anything. My appetite is gone and everything I look at that has to do with food or the smell of it makes me want to vomit.

My plane leaves in 8 days 4 hours and 50 minutes and I’m not sure that’s soon enough. As much as I love the people here that I’ve been working with, the family out back, our guard David, and our cook Irene, I’m done here and I need to get back home. I’ve reached my breaking point, a point I never really thought I would reach. I always just figured that the time would wind down and I’d just be working until the end; not so. Ever since the HIV incident at the school in Baka village things have been going down hill. I started on the ARV meds and they have made me incredibly sick which has only amplified the fact that my nerves are shot and my patience has been tried. I never thought that I would feel like this, but if I could step on a plane right now, I’m pretty sure I would. The thought even crossed my mind that I could call and get my flight moved up and then I would just chill in New York until Mom got there. The thought went away as my conscience kicked in and I realized that going to Gulu would be an amazing experience and I would get some great pictures as well as learn about the people up there. I’m thinking about discontinuing taking the medication that has made me so sick. If I feel like this in NY I will be hating life and that is the last thing I want.

I’ve eating a Cliff Bar and a Sprite today. I just don’t want to eat. Everything sounds gross. Everybody is eating right now and I just want to vomit at the site of it all. My tummy has gone back down in size which is a plus. I’m hungry, but not enough to go eat the dinner prepared.